What happens when you hit a wall? When you feel up against it? All out? When you just can NOT anymore?
When you look at the latest pile of dishes and you think, Why bother?
When you drag the clothes out of the dryer and into the laundry basket and then use that as your dresser for the whole week?
When you watch one episode after the other of a show you’ve already seen while your dog stares and stares at you doing that desperate thing with his eyebrows?
It could be that I’m sad about the broken weather or that my thyroid Rx needs a boost or that I’m emotionally wrung out from the tick tock countdown to the midterms and all the bullshit shenanigans and outright terror erupting from everywhere.
Or maybe it’s just life. Life has meandering paths, steep inclines, plateaus, beautiful views, deep forests, gushing rivers, dry wells. And walls.
The first thing to do is, not panic.
Oh look–a wall.
It’s not there because I’m a fuck-up, or I’ve made terrible mistakes, or I didn’t dream hard enough or follow through enough.
It’s just a wall, a part of the landscape.
Get to know the wall. Feel its surface. Paint it a pretty color.
Let it keep you in one place for a while. Lean up against it. Let it take your weight. Let it hold a boundary. Let it bring things into focus. Let it mark an ending. Truth is, you won’t stay there. The moment you give into it, love it, let it be there (it’s THERE so why fight it?) something will shift.
Let your mind drift. See where it goes.
You’ll notice something, a bit of movement, a flutter.
Don’t direct it. Just follow it. Let it flutter around. Notice where it lands.
It might not make any sense.
I wanna dance like Cardi B. That’s where my butterfly landed–on the twerking butt of a 20-something-year-old.
I’m just a middle aged white lady with a bad hip. I get out of breath changing the shower curtain liner. I can’t even understand what I’m seeing when I watch the hip hop.
But I love it! It makes me smile, feel light and tingly in my throat and chest.
That’s my body saying yes. My body doesn’t have a five-year plan. It’s all about right now.
So, with the wall and the dishes and the laundry and the dog all still there, I put my laptop on the fireplace mantle and spent about 20 minutes watching videos and gyrating around the living room.
It totally cracked me up.
I don’t know what’s going to happen, really, about anything.I only know that I’m more creative, more resilient and more flexible when I really get that I don’t need to know. My only job is let what’s happening, be happening.
That’s not the same as collapsing into it or resigning myself to it. It’s being okay, even though it’s there.
What’s going on over there in your life? Any walls?
Try leaning in, let your eyes go soft, and see if anything silly, fun, or outrageous move into the periphery.
What was it?