Body CompassThe TAO of You

There’s space inside for all of it

Yesterday was a dark day. A seam opened up and I fell into a pit. I did what I could to let go of the story and give in to the sensations because I know when I do, things move. When I don’t, the story loops over and over and nothing goes anywhere. I’m stuck and covered in tar.

It’s surprisingly hard to simply talk about our feelings without the why and when and who said what and how it’s all hideous but true true true!  It’s like that joke:

She: You’re an asshole.
He: Don’t tell me what I am. Tell me how you feel.
She: Okay. I feel like you’re an asshole.

Feelings are not thoughts or ideas or memories or plans or nightmares or dreams. Feelings don’t live in our heads. They live in our bodies. We FEEL them. That’s why they’re called FEELINGS. 🙂  It can feel odd because it takes us into new territory and that’s often scary.

She: You’re an asshole.
He: Don’t tell me what I am. Tell me how you feel.
She: I feel hot in my face and like an elephant is sitting on my chest.
He: Oh. Uh, line?

I did many things and lots of nothing all day. I cried. I ate things. I watched things. I stared into space. I asked for help (GAK that’s hard). I let myself be vulnerable (terrifying!). I talked about my feelings and my thoughts. I spoke some scary truths and also thrashed around in old familiar and icky painful ways about how I’ve failed and have been failed, have hidden and am still hiding.

It wasn’t my favorite day but you know what? It was sort of amazing because I stayed with myself all day. And I saw and felt things move. I mean, it was like actual things, physical things, moved and were lifted and got shifted and other things were revealed. There was a whole internal re-ordering. I started the day feeling as if I were strapped to a thousand pound tarp of junk and ended the day feeling grateful, connected, tender but also larger.

I didn’t decide things or figure things out. I think what I did was make space for the whole mess of it, both in my day and inside of myself. At one point, I sat in meditation and brought all of it to the center of my heart, every sharp and unwieldy seemingly ugly, inescapable thing, and my heart kept making room for all of it, just as it was.

There is space inside for all of it.

All the sorrow, loneliness, heartache, and grief.
All the anger, resentment, regret, and hurt.

The space is vast, untouched by circumstances, unfettered by the details, personalities, past or future. There are no lost opportunities there. It is both empty and full.

It is with you always; it is the ground upon which all things arise and fall away again. It is the space that is beating your heart.

It is you.

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