I used to say, I wish I had a big-bosomed Irish nanny to burst through my door and make me get to what matters. She’s not mean. She’s matter of fact, no-nonsense, practical in her methods. “That’s the way, love,” she says as she pulls the curtains aside, opens the windows, lets in fresh air. “Into the shower now love, that’s it, that’s it now,” she coos as she drags me from the bed, puts me under the running water, picks out my clothes. She nods through all my objections not getting into the fight. She hums softly as she puts my one foot in front of the other, getting me out the door, getting me where I long to go.
It has taken me years, YEARS, to get that it’s up to me to feel the uncertainty and discomfort that will ABSOLUTELY come up each time I take a risk, a step toward creating something new, toward becoming someone new, toward telling a new story of who I am.
It has taken me years to realize that there is no nanny. There is only me.
You know what I mean. I’m not insane. I wasn’t actually waiting for a nanny, but I was waiting, without know it. I was waiting for permission. Is it okay? Am I good enough? Will I get kicked out? Will I shake up the scene too much? Am I allowed? Will I break the rules? Will people be mad at me for telling? For daring? For breaking free? For leaving them behind?
I have been afraid. I have let that fear stop me.
I am not doing that anymore.
I am here to take up space. To say what I want. To ask for things.
I am here to claim my ground–not anyone else’s. Mine. My own lush piece of earth that has seasons and buds and blossoms and decaying matter teaming with nutrients. There are graveyards and gardens and deserts and forests, dry riverbeds and powerful oceans. There is everything here on my patch of earth.
We all have that patch of earth.
I can’t go back in time and fix what did and didn’t happen. I don’t need to.
My solo show is about finding my SHINE. It’s about creating a map to guide me there. That’s why we’re here, all of us, to find our shine so that we can illuminate a piece of the world, for ourselves, and for each other. RIGHT?
How do we do it?
First we need permission. We give that to ourselves.
Then we need help. We call the nanny, the friend, the teacher, the housecleaner, the therapist, the coach, the consultant, the contractor, the spiritual advisor, the gardener, the nutritionist, the mentor, whomever. Find the people to help us create the path that makes sense to us, that works for each of us.
We can’t learn without help. We can’t get better without being bad. We can’t truly be happy unless we are allowed to go after our SHINE.
What’s your shine? I can’t tell you. But you know.
You know it when you feel it, when you see it, hear it, remember it, imagine it.
Close your eyes. What do you see?