The following is an excerpt from my meditation this morning:
I really need to bring that chair to the studio. Should I do that today? Maybe I better wait until tomorrow.
(Notice I’m planning.)
Say, I’m back. Open my eyes. See the flame, really look at the shape at the top, the milky yellow color. Notice my heart beating in my chest, my sticky breath.
Breathe deeply in and out.
Think: Let it all be there. Make room for it.
Close my eyes.
Breathe in slowly, like sipping through a straw.
Breathe out slowly.
I wish I had gotten up early. I still need to walk the dogs. Maybe I can walk them after this. Oh, but I want to stretch. I’ve really been on a roll. Okay, so afterwards. I wonder what time it is…I have to write, too. Okay. Let’s see, I’ll meditate, then stretch, then take the dogs out.
(Notice I’m planning.)
Say, I’m back.
Open my eyes. See the spot on the wall in front of me. Breathe in.
Close my eyes. Breathe out. Feel the heaviness in my hips, feel my butt on the cushion.
Breathe in. Notice the cool sensation in my nostrils as the air comes in.
I really need to eat something first. Maybe a salad? I have all those vegetables from last night. Take the dogs out after? Or should I write first? And the walk will be my reward?
Open my eyes and see the timer on my meditation app, counting down the seconds.
Close my eyes. Adjust my position.
Hear the doorbell ring, the dog start to bark like a maniac. Think, don’t answer the door. Just let the dog bark. Let it all be there.
Oh god. Is someone going to get the door? Jesus. What is the matter with that dog?
Etc., etc. until the timer goes off.
I don’t share this because I think YOU think I’m a master meditator. I share this because the point, for me, is to show up and do what it is important to me.
I share this because the point, for me, is to keep going, even though I’m NOT always going to generate the relaxed and alert peaceful restorative theta brain waves that connect me to the vast ONENESS of everything.
I share this because I know that a meditation practice is just that, a practice. No matter how much I LOVE when my mediation is magical, deep, profound, and flying by in what seems like seconds, that experience is no ‘better’ than one above.
I share this because maybe there’s something you want to show up for and maybe you’re judging yourself because you’re not doing it perfectly.
Maybe you think you should be better at it already.
Maybe you think, at this rate, I’ll never get there!
Maybe you already missed a day (or 5) and you’re about to throw in the towel.
Maybe you need a remember that whatever it is you want to do this year, this quarter, this month, this week, this DAY–you will be in the forever practice of it.
Each day, each moment will be different, because YOU will be different.
Your only job is to Show up & Practice.
Let it be good, bad, frustrating, exhilarating, interesting, dull, surprising, derivative.
But let it be something by bringing yourself to it.